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Author: Mary Anne

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'Tis the Crazy Duck Lady's turn to blog over at All Day, All Night Writing Divas.  This time I'm giving out the 411 on a new study that indicates love is all about geography. 

Boogle on over to the Divas site and give my piece a read.  THERE'S A HUNKY GUY IN AN AMERICAN FLAG THAT MAKES THE CLICK WORTHWHILE ALL ON HIS YUMMY OWN. 

After you spend some quality time drooling over flag guy, be sure and leave a comment!

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This is the 19th Year that London's Literary Review has handed out a prize known as the Bad Sex Award.  Basically, it honors the "worst sex scene of the year."     The prize was established in 1993 to highlight and discourage the "crude, tasteless, and often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in contemporary novels". The award itself is a plaster foot "which is supposed to represent something to do with sex, though no one seems sure what".   

It's not a list you'd expect to see Stephen King, James Frey and Lee Child on - now is it?  But they were just 3 of the nominated authors.  The full list includes:  

  • 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami
  • On Canaan’s Side by Sebastian Barry
  • The Final Testament of the Holy Bible by James Frey
  • Parallel Stories by Péter Nádas
  • 11.22.63 by Stephen King
  • Ed King by David Guterson
  • The Land of Painted Caves by Jean M Auel
  • The Affair by Lee Child
  • Dead Europe by Christos Tsiolkas
  • Outside the Ordinary World by Dori Ostermiller
  • Everything Beautiful Began After by Simon Van Booy
  • The Great Night by Chris Adrian.

This year's prize was won by David Guterson for "Ed King," which is described as a "reimagining of Oedipus Rex".    With that book, should Mr. Guterson have been surprised to win the tongue-in-cheek honor?  One thinks ----- not.  The author wasn't surprised, as it turns out.  "Mr. Guterson sent a message: “Oedipus practically invented bad sex, so I’m not in the least bit surprised.”

In the ceremony where the award was presented to Guterson - or someone on behalf of his publisher, Bloomsbury,  the judges said Guterson's sex scene won because of its  “uncertain register, euphemism and ineffective irony,” particularly in the part where “she abused him with a bar of soap.”  Parts of the entry that snagged Guterson the prize can be read here.    I haven't read Guterson's book, but the description of the "no man's land" between a woman's "front parlor" and "back door" made me want to scream at the author to remind him that even if a book isn't a romance, a sex scene should always carry some emotion for the love of all ducks in the universe.  It shouldn't ever read like confusing directions from the guy at the gas station.  Romance has truly gone by the wayside when a character in the middle of a sex scene makes observations like  “a freshly made ear and a freshly made vagina look very much alike”.  That one's from Murakami's 1Q84, by the way. 

One of the authors nominated this year had the dubious honor of having been nominated before.  Christos Tsiolkas, whose "Dead Europe" was nominated this year, responded last year to his prior nomination for "The Slap" by speculating that the judges had "weird formative sex experiences at Eton".     As Tsiolkas' comment was mentioned at this year's ceremony at London's In and Out Club, a member of the audience noted that the author's theory sounded "completely reasonable." 

The books' highly sexed leading characters are compared to "wakening beasts, lightning rods, outrageous sea creatures and “the midnight train.” Quotes from this year's nominees include:

"In the shower, Ed stood with his hands at the back of his head, like someone just arrested, while she abused him with a bar of soap." (Ed King/Guterson)

"She was wearing jeans. The fabric whispered under my palm. She leaned back and her head bonked on the door. 'Ouch!' I said. 'Are you all right?'" (11.22.63/King)

"[Her breasts] seemed to be virtually uninfluenced by the force of gravity, the nipples turned beautifully upward, like a vine's new tendrils seeking sunlight." (1Q84/Murakami)

"Faster, harder, faster, harder. The room began to shake. Just faintly at first, like a mild constant tremor, like the edge of a far distant earthquake. The French door trembled in its frame. A glass rattled on the bathroom shelf. The floor quivered. The hall door creaked and shuttered. My shoes hopped and moved. The bedhead hammered against the wall. The floor shook hard. The walls boomed. Coins in my abandoned pocket tinkled." (The Affair/Child)

None of my books has made the list yet. I think that's because I can't write a sex scene without remembering that romance isn't about sex - sex is about romance.  Likely, my books also haven't made the list because the judges haven't heard of me --- yet.  But you never know - my books on Amazon are selling quite well in the UK so next year might be my year. 

If next year's my year I'll begin my acceptance speech by commenting on the trophy and suggesting where they might put their foot....

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Huffpo published a piece about romance novel covers that proved the article's writer hadn't paid the first bit of attention to the linked video advertised in the headline.  No matter. 

The video is a Kensington romance novel covershoot and includes some great comments from industry pros at the publishing house.  About the second or third time you watch it, you might be able to pay attention to the comments.  Don't even try to take in the dialogue the first time around. The first time is a feast for the eyes and spirits of all who find returning to work after a holiday a real downer.

And like the headline says:  You're Welcome.

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It was a dark and stormy night on the last episode of Grey's that aired before the "mid-Winter break."  (BTW - how do you get a job where there's a mid-Winter break?  The couple of days the rest of us get off at Thanksgiving and Christmas don't nearly measure up to the length of these "breaks." ) The next new epi won't air until January 5, 2012. 

The last episode aired was titled "Dark was The Night" and there's a good summary here  and here to tickle your memory cells - if they need tickling.  Personally, I'm up for a good tickle most any time. But that's for another blog post entirely.  For this one, I'm doing one of my most favorite things - I'm donning my Swami Cap and guessin' Grey's.  Keep in mind, my POV is from way over the top and Sunshine Shonda Rhimes is as likely to have written things the way I see 'em as I am to win the powerball lottery.  Okay - it's more likely that I'll win the powerball.

The whole thing was dark and stormy.  Lots of bad things happened to the characters, with one of the worst undoubtedly being the death of Henry on the OR table during a fairly routine procedure while his wife, Teddy, was operating on an emergency patient.  So Teddy wasn't there when her hubby died and new-Chief Owen didn't tell her. By epi's end she still didn't know.  And Cristina didn't know the patient she was called to do a heart procedure on was Teddy's hubby.  She was rushing through becausec she'd been practicing for a procedure on her "dream list." And Owen didn't tell Cristina that the patient was Henry.  She found out after he died.

There was lots of trauma to go around.  Mer and Karev were called out to pick up a newborn infant who is having trouble breathing and must be transported to Seattle Grace.   On the way back the ambulance stalls on a narrow mountain road and a paramedic goes off to get help after warning Mer and Alex that if anything hits the ambulance it'll explode b/c of all the oxygen tanks.  The paramedic tells the pair to get out but neither will leave the baby. They're connected to the hospital for advice from Arizona who is in the middle of a procedure with Derek and Mark. Mark tells one of 'em to leave. Alex tells Mer to go but she refuses to leave the baby. While they argue, something hits the ambulance, they're thrown around and the OR loses the connection to the phone.

Der is finally struck by how much his wife means to him and he gets all jittery and teary and Jackson has to take over the surgery. (Maybe now he'll even stop trying to destroy Mer's career - you think?)  In the closing scene Alex and Mer crawl out of the ambulance - apparently okay - and see a car tipped over and dead bodies thrown around. It's a tough scene and yeah - I wonder what it portends.  Maybe I'll blog about those guesses later. The Duck Lady's over the top thoughts on that scene would likely be far more horrific than whatever Sunshine's crack writers dreamed up.

But that's not what this blog is about.  This is about the call Mer/Der got from the social worker indicating that she didn't think they'd get Zola.  She basically told 'em to move on.  Der tells Mer that it's not over - they'll fight for Zola or get another baby. But Mer refuses and says Zola was their baby and she's gone.  Mer says she doesn't want another one and for now McDreamy is feeling a little guilty that he pushed Mer towards motherhood before she was ready. 

But one way or another, the pitter patter of little McDreamy feet seems inevitable, doesn't it?  So - what route will the stork take to deliver a McDreamy bundle?

...continue reading "Grey Guesses: Tracking The Stork With The McDreamiest Bundle"

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This week over at Smart Bitches, SB Sarah summarized a recent conference (link may be down; understand they are doing some work on the site) she attended.  What caught my attention was the disagreement between Dr. Mary Bly, who writes as Eloisa James, and the President of the RWA (Romance Writer's Association) over a topic that - at first blush - seems very simple:  What is romance?

The RWA Prez had been judging a Food Network Romance Cakes cooking competition. She ruled out one of the finalists because it showed a married couple.  She said books featuring a married couple weren't romance novels. 

It's an interesting question.  What is romance? What books fit the genre?  I guess every reader and every writer has their own definition.  To me, a book is only a romance if it fits three key criteria. 

First and foremost AND forever, amen - to be a romance it must have a happy ending.  By that, I mean that by story's end the hero and the heroine must have committed themselves to more than a relationship. They must have committed themselves to each other forever.  (My definition of a happy ending is pretty strict for such a loosey goosey duck lady, isn't it?)

Second, the book must focus on the relationship between a couple. And third, the book must focus more on internal than external action.  It's both an exact and a very loose definition.  But I don't think every book that many consider a romance fits.  Several of Nicholas Sparks don't fit the definition because there's no HEA. Gabaldon's "Outlander" doesn't fit for the same reason. 

A romance novel is a tale of the heart.  Action, interaction, scenery and setting are window dressing. Emotion creates the story, emotion carries the story and emotion concludes the story.

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My post - "So What If A Bodice Rips" is up at the All Day, All Night Writing Divas site.  It's a re-write of the one posted here previously.  But here people are used to my insanity.  Here, y'all expect it.  At the other site - not so much.

The other writing divas are much saner, normal folks.   I'm their monthly dose of over-the-top duck-borne daffiness. 

I wrote the post to start a discussion and expected it to arouse some passionate discord.  If you check the comments, you'll see that it has.  But I'm always game for more. 

So, boogle on over to read the post and comment --- agree, disagree or wander off on your very own tangent.  As y'all know, I also love a good tangent.

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Based on my sales numbers, it looks like B&N is eating Amazon's lunch. 

This is the first month I could make the comparison.  In the early days of November I first uploaded my titles to B&N's "pubit" system to sell directly on B&N.  Previously I was selling on B&N via Smashwords.  This month I have the B&N numbers.  This month, I can ask the question.

Are Amazon's sales eroding ?  Based on my sales figures there this month, it looks like the giant etailer is having serious, grave issues with sales.  During the same period, sales at B&N seem to be growing, growing, growing.  Yet Amazon is still investing in its Kindle platform.  Like B&N, Az is now introducing a tablet. 

Introducing a tablet makes sense at B&N where sales are on the upswing.  It only makes sense at Amazon if sales are on the upswing too.  Yet if they are - then either the reporting system is broken or sales are being underreported for a more sinister reason. 

I've emailed Amazon 2 or 3 times over the last couple of days asking the retailer to check the sales reporting.  So far, I've gotten no response.  Yes, it's a weekend but Az works 24/7 and if it's growing its ebook ventures and investing in a new tablet, then it has people working 24/7 too.  And if those people are worthy of a paycheck they should be capable of running the necessary testing of the system.  But, as noted, I've gotten no response.

From the KDP forum, I see that other authors on Amazon are experiencing the same phenomenon - the numbers show that they are selling more on B&N than on Amazon.  While that could be true, based on sales numbers historically from Amazon - I doubt it.

So my question remains - is B&N Outselling Amazon or is Amazon Underreporting Sales?  These days at Amazon the numbers aren't adding up.  It makes it appear that something's rotten in Denmark - err, Amazon.  And my history with the company leads me to believe that Az has traditionally been very accurate with its reporting. 

If there is a problem with the reporting system, if the push with Kindlefire and getting that platform up and out has strained Az's resources to the point where it will take a while to run the numbers and report them, then Az needs to explain that. 

If Amazon doesn't come clean about it's current problems a lot more people are going to start asking a lot more questions.  That won't be good for business and it will hurt the company's reputation at a time when Amazon wants America to trust the company to be its digital provider.

The etailing giant has a history of being very closemouthed about its business and its numbers.  That doesn't work so well anymore, now that people can compare Kindle with other platforms.  Amazon wants us to trust it with our digital dollars and the company has to earn that faith.

Amazon's got some 'splaining to do.

UPDATE:   This was published early Sunday, 11/13/11.  About an hour after it was published, I got an email reply from Amazon.  It claimed that they had "researched" my inquiry about the sales reporting system. Amazon says "there are no issues with reporting sales."  The conclusion? 

B&N is eating Amazon's lunch.  Either that or no one at Amazon tested the system. Between "researching" my inquiry and actually testing the system lies a gap as wide and as insidiously threatening as infinity.

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I'll admit to enjoying checking out my horoscope as cast by Jonathan Cainer.  BTW, I'm a Leo.  Too bad there's not a duck in the Zodiac. I'd have to change my birthday to get that sign!

Anyway, late yesterday I was checking Mr. Cainer's horoscope reading for today to see if it was going to be as tough as most of the days have been lately.  Cainer says Leos have been having a rough time because Mars has been boogling through our sign.  Thank goodness mean ole' Mars exits Leo at the end of the month because I've had about enough of him.

In the horoscope I just read Mr. Cainer was referring to this Friday's date.  If you check your calendar, you'll see that 11.11.11 is the date on Friday.  And according to Mr. Cainer, lots of folks think 11.11.11 is the day we can re-boot our lives. It's interesting to consider, isn't it? 

When I consider something, I Google it and when I googled this, I ran across  Numerologist's Nam Hari Kaur Khalsa's thoughts on the significance of 11.11.11.  Mr. Khalsa says as follows:

The date of 11.11.11 is one of the most powerful shifts in human awareness that we will experience in our lifetime. It is a rare opportunity to release lifetimes of karmic scripting and ancestral entrapment. Entrapment in the sense of the conscious and unconscious habit patterns which have us wondering why we can’t seem to actualize the life we really want to have, and know is possible. 11-11-11 is the cosmic birth date of humanities prayer for liberation from the rote, mundane, and monotonous. Many people are presently feeling, “I can’t go on like this anymore, I just can’t live like this another day.” 

And Mr. Khalsa says that Eleven is the sound current of infinity.  He suggests that "Eleven is the sound current of Infinity, and sound is one of the most powerful ways we can heal ourselves. Mantras contain a frequency of sound which is a healing force that is available to us all."

Mr. Khalsa suggests we channel the energy of the day by chanting a "Magic Mantra":   

There is one Creator of all Creation.  All is a blessing of the One Creator.  This realization comes through Guru's Grace.

The numerologist says  this is the “magic mantra” because it "can shift the flow of the psyche so powerfully that new opportunities seem to materialize out of nowhere."

Wouldn't you love a chance to re-boot your life?  For me, a re-boot would be having an opportunity to write full time.  When I'm writing and my muse is with me I feel like I'm channeling thunder.  I don't know if chanting the mantra will be magic or not, but why not try some possible magic?

I wish everyone a happy re-boot on 11.11.11!!!!!!!!!!!(11 exclamation points. I might as well make the most of the current of infinity.)

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There are folks who pride themselves on being open-minded and accepting.  I like to consider myself one of those folks.  However, within the live and let live tribe, there are a bunch of members who only accept something if it meets their rules and regulations.  They think they're open-minded but in reality, they're the opposite.  These are people who only want to accept what they find acceptable.  Yes, Virginia, I'm talking about card-carrying members of the PC Police.  I'm gonna call 'em the PCP because I think the name fits.  Lord knows, they often act like they're high on something.   

Too many of them are reader-come-latelys.  Yeah, they might've been well-intentioned enough back when they started reading romance.  But they hung around with the wrong crowd.  They listened to the wrong sermons and soon enough, they started believing them.  And the young PCP converts were tapped as missionaries - sent out to convert others and convince them that the only good romance, the only acceptable romance was new romance.  Older romance was written in the wrong style with the wrong plot elements. 

Yes,  Kathleen Woodiwiss and Rosemary Rogers (guided by talented Avon Books editor Nancy Coffey) created a genre.  It wasn't a genre where you might pick up a book on occasion and read it.  It was a genre that compelled readers to buy another book so they could start it the second they finished the last.  It was a genre that incited and inspired a generation of women.  

Perhaps that was all very well - then.  And those women who devoured romance novels like Christmas candy?  Well, they didn't know any better. Besides, Woodiwiss and Rogers and the writers who learned from them were all the readers had.  But this is a new day.  There are a horde of writers who've learned the rules and write the proper stuff.  If a writer is tempted to wander off the true path  -- she better not.  The PC Police will get her.

Do they have an APB out for me yet? 

...continue reading "So What If A Bodice Rips? Wait — Do The PC Police Have An APB Out For Me Yet?"