Category: Humor

I figured out why I haven't made enough money from romance novels to quit my day job (practicing law) yet. I even know why I haven't made enough dough to support myself writing full time and pay cash to buy a new house. One of my tweeps steered me towards the secret, and I wanted to share it here on the blog.

Even the duck lady is bright enough to know that what I need is a bestseller - or better yet, several. And yes, even I who am more quackers than the average quacker know that the secret to launching a book to the bestseller stratosphere is one word -- PUBLICITY. I also know what publicity is - you know what it is? EXPENSIVE.

And because I'm a strange duck lady who communicates best in writing, I'm one of those things that most people think is as real as the proverbial Magic Genie. Yes, Virginia, because I'm a lawyer who practices research and writing (a scrivener) I'm something else that far too many of you can understand. You know what that is? POOR. Yes, a poor lawyer. Go figure.

So I can't afford all that publicity, which leaves me hanging around here, on Twitter (@quackingalone) and on Facebook. I shuffle my feet a lot and try to think of pithy, not totally insane things to say that might interest readers into checking out my books. ("Hey, Ethel, this one might be good for a laugh. The writer's a complete nutcase.") But I thought that was pretty much the limit of the options my non-existent publicity budget could afford. Then, one of my gang tweeted the link to an article.

...continue reading "Think Chicken Instead of Duck"

Why am I the last to know these things?

There seems to be a 10-step plan for everything these days, but somehow, I thought the eternal quest for writing the Great American Novel was above and beyond all that.  Not so, according to a new piece from Huffpo by Ester Bloom, entitled:  "Write the Great American Novel in 10 Easy Steps."

And they're EASY steps?  Geez!  Just think of all the time I've been wasting behind my keyboard.  Worse- think of all that stress and strain on my wee, already-stressed and strained brain.  Come on Ms. Bloom - give a girl a clue, why don't you?  OH, that's right - she just did.

Let's see - step one is to be a dead dude like Mark Twain, William Faulkner or Nathaniel Hawthorne.   Well, that doesn't sound so easy.  It sounds pretty impossible.  Wait - there is a sub-choice!  If I'm not a dead dude, it'll work if I'm Toni Morrison, a one-book wonder like Margaret Mitchell or Harper Lee, or a privileged, white drunk like Fitzgerald or Hemingway.  Well, I'm white - but I'm pretty much out of luck on the other qualifications for the first step.

I have more luck with step 2.  Reclusive I can do.  I can't do masculine seclusion but feminine seclusion - that's my natural state.  So I can be the female Pynchon or Salinger.

Step 3 is to tell a violent story set in rural America's Southern or Western regions.  Well, most of my contemporary romances  are set along the coast of South Carolina and this is a pretty darned rural area.  And love is the ultimate violence, isn't it?  Besides, in most of my contemporaries someone dies - which is a double whammy for violence.  I guess that equates me with Penn Warren, McCarthy and McMurtry.

Then I'm supposed to center my tale around a white male hero who wrestles with diversity - preferably involving brown people -  while he travels.  Well, in "A Magical Forever" the hero has to overcome his prejudices against love and magic and he takes a trip that's literally out of this world.  I'll count that.

Next, I have to title my book something with particular keywords like "Great," "Wrath," "Love," "Fury" or "Death."  Woah, Nelly - Eden is on the list.  Hot dog - "The Duke of Eden" fits that one.  We're making progress!

Uh Oh - there are questions.

...continue reading "There’s a 10-Step Plan for Writing Superstardom?"