Quacking Alone

UPDATE:  THE 2012 PRIZE WAS AWARDED DECEMBER 4TH.  IT WENT TO NANCY HUSTON - SEE EXCERPT BELOW.

MS. HUSTON REACTED TO THE AWARD:

In a statement, she said she hoped the win would "incite thousands of British women to take close-up photos of their lovers' bodies in all states of array and disarray."

Previous winners of the Bad Sex in Fiction award include Norman Mailer, Jonathan Littell and Sebastian Faulks. In 2008, John Updike was given the lifetime achievement award.

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What do Tom Wolfe, Nicholas Coleridge, Nancy Huston and Paul Mason have in common? They're a few of the authors shortlisted for the 2012 Bad Sex In Fiction Award.

It's a list a writer really doesn't want to make.

The award is by Britain's Literary Review.  It's a Razzie of sorts for the "most embarrassing passage of sexual description in a novel."  The purpose of the prize is to draw attention to and discourage the "crude, badly written, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel."

This year, the publication notes that:

In a year in which the country's obsession with mummy porn, red rooms of pain and Christian Grey has reached fever pitch, Literary Review is proud to continue its gentle chastisement of the worst excesses of the literary novel.

Ahh, but Great Britain's best known sexual export, the "Fifty Shades of Grey" trilogy didn't make the list.  Why?  It wasn't eligible.  The prize does not cover erotic literature.

Last year's prize was won by David Guterson for his "Ed King,"  published by Bloomsbury.  This year's shortlisted novels include:

• The Yips by Nicola Barker
• The Adventuress by Nicholas Coleridge
• Infrared by Nancy Huston
• Rare Earth by Paul Mason
• Noughties by Ben Masters
• The Quiddity of Will Self by Sam Mills
• The Divine Comedy by Craig Raine
• Back to Blood by Tom Wolfe

What does it take to make the list?  Peruse these excerpts from the nominated novels:

Rare Earth by Paul Mason: “She breathed hot into his neck and he plunged three rough fingers down the front of her jeans, making her squeak. She had never tried wu-wei in this situation before and Khünbish, hairy and slightly paunchy, she noticed now that he had his shirt off, was generating slightly more karmic energy than she had anticipated.”

Noughties by Ben Masters: “We got up from the chair and she led me to her elfin grot, getting amongst the pillows and cool sheets. We trawled each other’s bodies for every inch of history. I dug after what I had always imagined and came up with even more. She stroked my outlines in perfect synchrony until I was febrile in her hands, willingly guided elsewhere.”

Infrared by Nancy Huston: “He runs his tongue and lips over my breasts, the back of my neck, my toes, my stomach, the countless treasures between my legs, oh the sheer ecstasy of lips and tongues on genitals, either simultaneously or in alternation, never will I tire of that silvery fluidity, my sex swimming in joy like a fish in water…”

The Adventuress: The Irresistible Rise of Miss Cath Fox by Nicholas Coleridge: “In seconds the duke had lowered his trousers and boxers and positioned himself across a leather steamer trunk, emblazoned with the royal arms of Hohenzollern Castle. ‘Give me no quarter,’ he commanded. ‘Lay it on with all your might.’”

Back to Blood by Tom Wolfe: “Now his big generative jockey was inside her pelvic saddle, riding, riding, riding, and she was eagerly swallowing it swallowing it swallowing it with the saddle’s own lips and maw — all this without a word.”

The Yips by Nicola Barker: “She smells of almonds, like a plump Bakewell pudding; and he is the spoon, the whipped cream, the helpless dollop of warm custard. She steams. He applauds, his tongue hanging out (like a bloodhound espying a raw chop in a cartoon).”

The Divine Comedy by Craig Raine: “And he came. Like a wubbering springboard. His ejaculate jumped the length of her arm. Eight diminishing gouts. The first too high for her to lick. Right on the shoulder.”

The Quiddity of Wilf Self by Sam Mills: “Down, down, on to the eschatological bed. Pages chafed me; my blood wept onto them. My cheek nestled against the scratch of paper. My cock was barely a ghost, but I did not suffer panic.”

Once again, this year, I can breathe easy because my books escaped nomination.  Then again, Erika Leonard's (EL James) work escaped too, so I'm certainly in good company.  My work is romance rather than erotica, so it would technically be eligible, but the award seems to focus on the literary "greats" who make the mistake of grubbing in the dirt with lesser writers, like a certain Duck Lady, who is a grubber from way back.

The winner of the prize will be announced December 4th.

Married?  In a committed relationship that you'd like to keep committed?  Forget hairspray - bring on the oxytocin.

Oxytocin is a hormone made in the brain's hypothalamus.  It triggers childbirth, helps with breastfeeding and - apparently - promotes togetherness and fidelity.    A new study involved a group of 86 heterosexual men with an average age of 25.  Researchers dosed the guys with either oxytocin or a placebo to study the effects.  And what were they?

Men in committed relationships who got the morning spritz of oxytocin kept a greater physical distance when approaching or being approached by a woman they considered attractive. It had no effect on the single fellows nor did the oxytocin effect the distance men kept between themselves and other men.

"Because oxytocin is known to increase trust in people, we expected men under the influence of the hormone to allow the female experimenter to come even closer, but the direct opposite happened," study leader Rene Hurlemann, of the University of Bonn, in Germany, said in a journal news release.

The findings suggest that oxytocin may help men remain faithful to their female partners.

I've always had particular fears about Mr. Duck and red-headed women.  Why red-heads?  Does jealousy need a reason?  I'd be equally unhappy with him hooking up with a blonde, a brunette or a woman with purple and green locks.

This only means one thing............  I may have to do something drastic like, alter a morning ritual at the Duck Pond.  In the morning Mr. Duck and our littlest duckling (he's a high school kid but will always be my baby) venture back to the bedroom where I'm making myself look semi-human.  They kiss me goodbye before heading out into the wide world. Sometimes, they arrive as I have hairspray in hand.

I'm thinking I could fix up a label for the oxytocin that says something like "Forever - Hold Hairspray" and accidentally keep it in my hand whilst giving Mr. Duck his morning smooch.  Now, if I can only figure out a way to spray it up his nose without him noticing.

I suppose I could deploy a curvy red-head.  That might keep Mr. Duck from noticing anything, including a nuclear explosion.  But it seems  counterproductive somehow, doesn't it?

I have a political point of view and, yes, I voted.  However, this column is not about politics.  It's not about the sky falling because one party lost nor is it about eternal sunshine because the other party won.  This post is about something much closer to home.  It's about what I learned from the election that I can use to win at marketing my books.

President Obama ran a very smart campaign emphasizing bullet point messaging and images.  His talking points were easy to tweet and the photos were easy to share.  Both he and Mr. Romney could - and surely did - give lengthy speeches.  But President Obama's speeches emphasized those bullet points and then explained the meaning of each.  But you know what?  The meaning didn't matter.  The messaging was in the bullet points.  It was in the photos emphasizing the bullet points.   And those bullet points?  They could all be easily condensed into 140 characters or less.

Yes, America.  IMHO, We've just witnessed the first Twitter Election.

...continue reading "What The Election Should Teach Us About Marketing"

I write historical and contemporary romance. Like many romance authors, most of my historicals to date have focused on Regency England. The period catches the fancy and populating books with handsome British Dukes and Earls is nigh irresistible. So, it surprises me not a'tall to discover that romance readers adore all things British. I was surprised at a recent NY Times story pointing out that as a nation, we've all gone barmy over "Britishisms."

Alex Williams wrote the piece and I'll bet he's not even a romance fan.  He pointed to a recent article in the "Daily Beast" written by an American who called the iPad "a lovely piece of kit." He also referenced an earlier piece from "The Daily Herald" saying that the Chicago Bulls were mired in uncertainty "less than a fortnight" after a player went down with a knee injury.

Williams says that bits of Brit-speak have crept into the American vernacular. People are now saying "cheers" instead of  "thank you," and "brilliant" instead of "yes,"  or "I will," or "I agree."  More and more Americans aren't going to the bathroom or the restroom - they're going to the "loo."  Williams suggests:

The next time an American “mate” asks you to “ring” her on her “mobile” about renting your “flat” during your “holiday,” it’s fair to ask, have we all become Madonna?

Williams refers the readers to a site maintained by Ben Yagoda an English Professor from the University of Delaware, who last year started the blog "Not One-Off Britishisms" or NOOB. Yagoda says,   “The 21st-century ‘chattering classes’ — which is itself a Britishism — are the most significant perpetrators of this trend.”

Williams wonders if perhaps TV and the Internet may be responsible for the trend.  He points to British Blockbuster shows like 'Dr. Who"  and British stars who've virtually seized American television - like Gordon Ramsay.  I'd add Simon Cowell to that list - Cowell's X-Factor,  American Idol, and So You Think You Can Dance are practically their own genre and they've inspired so many others like Dancing With The Stars and The Voice.

...continue reading "Blimey – Is America Going to The Brits?"

Sometimes I pass along stories because they caught my attention and made me think.  Other times - like this one - I pass along stories because they made me howl.  Yes, dear readers, I just had one of those moments.  You know, the ones that make Mr. Duck shelter our littlest duck under his wing  to huddle at the computer in the bedroom area of the pond - hoping that Mama Duck won't find them until she's calmed down.  The story that inspired such dark duck rage this time is entitled:  "50 Shades of Pornography Addiction."

It starts off by hypothesizing that porn purveyors have vanquished the male population and turned their greedy, beady eyes towards the female half of the planet.  To lure in the women, the purveyors had to modify their product and their pitch because the porn that lures men objectifies women and that doesn't lure the ladies.  To woo women, the story says, purveyors have honed in on "intimacy and relationships" because "women tend to objectify these feelings."

And here's the part of the story that enraged my ducks:

Today, many women read soft core pornography as an escape and as an extension to their interest in romance novels. One such recently popular title Fifty Shades of Grey has made great inroads into this niche. And because of that trend, some women are moving to online pornography from soft core and romance novels.

It’s no secret that soft core pornography is mainstream. The three books in the 50 Shades trilogy currently occupy three of five tops spots on the New York Times bestseller list and recently held the top three. Other erotic novels frequently make it into the top fifteen.

In reality, these books, now displayed front and center in bookstores, tend to glamorize unhealthy relationships depicted in them, and by extension, pornography in general.  It seems soft core porn is viewed by most as a harmless distraction, but too often, it’s a gateway to more hardcore pornography and addiction.

Seriously?  The MAN who wrote this article actually believes that romance novels and erotica are gateway addictions that will push women down to the level of trolling the internet for hardcore porn?  No, SIR, reading about love and passion will never cause women to descend to the depths where you reside.

Romance novels are gateways drugs, all right.  They addict women to hope and love and happy endings. Also, I'll say it one more time-  Fifty Shades of Grey is, at its core, a good, old-fashioned love story.  And reading about men strong enough to surrender to love and passion - and the women who taught them love's lessons - is apt to make women want more of something.  That something is not naked men wandering around, constantly ready to screw one, two or twelve other people at any given time.

No, women who read about those strong, smart romance novel heroes won't settle for sex.  The dangerous lesson of romance novels is that all women deserve men who make them feel like the heroine of their own love story.  So romance novels are a gateway -- they lead readers to seek their very own happily ever afters, each as different and individual and varied as all the world and all the dreamers who ever made their dreams come true.

You know what?  We need a lot more of the "drugs"  that create romance novel addicts and a lot fewer people who can't see past their own limitations to appreciate that reading is power and romance is hope.

I ran across an interesting story recently that I had to share. Titled "Turn It Up:  What Do You Listen To While Having Sex" is from the "Detroit Free Press" by Korina Lopez.  It gives the low down - pun intended - on one of the more useful scientific studies ever conducted.  Music psychologist Daniel Mullensiefen of the UK studied 2000 people to rate the "Science Behind The Song." Participants ranged from ages 19-91 with the genders represented almost equally.

The study resulted in lists of the top 20 songs for many activities and it studied people's attitude and feelings about music.  As the title of this piece indicated, 1 in 3 people identified Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" as a song that is better than sex.  Would Freddie Mercury have agreed, I wonder?  Perhaps.....  or, perhaps not.

Mostly, I wonder who these people are having sex with, because 40% of them said that music playing in the background was more likely to turn them on than the touch of their partner.  (Seriously?)

The study determined that the most arousing music to play while having sex is the soundtrack from the movie "Dirty Dancing."  That soundtrack was No 1 with both men and women.  Mullensiefen, the psychologist conducting the study, felt that result showed "that men are more willing to adjust their tastes in music in order to ensure "greater success in the bedroom."  It sounds like Mullensienefen is a pretty smart guy, right?  He should be - he's the co-director of the Master Program in Music, Mind and Brain and is also a senior lecturer in the psych department at Goldsmiths, University of London.

And what are the TOP 20 SONGS THAT PEOPLE LISTEN TO DURING SEX?  ......drumroll, please:

1. "Dirty Dancing" soundtrack

2. Marvin Gaye, "Sexual Healing"

3. Ravel, "Bolero"

4. Berlin, "Take My Breath Away"

5. Barry White (anything from his collection)

6. Marvin Gaye, "Let's Get It On"

7. Righteous Brothers, "Unchained Melody"

8. Celine Dion, "Titanic" soundtrack / "My Heart Will Go On"

9. Serge Gainsbourg, "Je T`aime"

10. Whitney Houston, "I Will Always Love You"

11. Aerosmith, "I Don`t Want to Miss A Thing"

12. Kings of Leon, "Sex On Fire"

13. Rodgers & Hammerstein, "Sound of Music"

14. Tchaikovsky, "1812 Overture"

15. "Grease" soundtrack

16. Donna Summer, "I Feel Love"

17. Boyz II Men, "I'll Make Love to You"

18. Abba, "Mama Mia"

19. Tom Jones, "Sex Bomb"

20. "Star Wars" soundtrack

Well, I've got to say that it's a list I just can't take seriously.   Any real list of mood music would have to be topped by Bob Segar's "Night Moves,"  right? Obviously, I'm right -- just ask Mr. Duck.  Of course, he'd also tell you that I don't think any great music has been recorded since the 80's.  That's also right, isn't it?

Or maybe,  I'm just quackers.