{"id":2947,"date":"2012-12-17T19:35:52","date_gmt":"2012-12-18T00:35:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/?p=2947"},"modified":"2012-12-17T20:31:25","modified_gmt":"2012-12-18T01:31:25","slug":"why-im-not-adam-lanzas-mother","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/2012\/12\/17\/why-im-not-adam-lanzas-mother\/","title":{"rendered":"Why I’m Not Adam Lanza’s Mother"},"content":{"rendered":"

In the wake of the overwhelmingly tragic slaughter of innocent elementary school students and heroic teachers and educational professionals on Friday in Newtown, Connecticutt, \u00a0there has been much discussion of the shooter and his Asperger's Syndrome. \u00a0One controversial piece entitled, \"I Am Adam Lanza's Mother<\/a>\" was written from the perspective of a mother who fears her 13-year-old son may be headed towards Adam's path.<\/p>\n

The mother in the article doesn't seem to be talking about Asperger's, but I mention it because it inspired this piece. According to every news account I've heard - and there have been many - Adam Lanza was an Aspie. \u00a0Mr. Lanza may or may not have had other mental health issues. \u00a0 However, the article linked above made me ponder why I am NOT Adam Lanza's mother.<\/p>\n

I have a beautiful, brilliant 21-year-old son. \u00a0And yes, he's always been bright. \u00a0We always knew he was bright. \u00a0When he was in elementary school we learned how bright Zack was - school psychologists tested him and found that he has a genius-level, MENSA-grade IQ. \u00a0Why did he get tested? \u00a0Because Zack was always different.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Those differences weren't so apparent in Kindergarten. \u00a0All kids are learning their way at that age. \u00a0But it didn't take long for little things about Zack to stand out - he always knew the answers but he wasn't always interested enough to give them. \u00a0He didn't relate to his classmates at their level - he related like a much younger child, despite the fact that he was usually the brightest kid in the room. \u00a0 He didn't follow social cues - like when someone wasn't interested in hearing about his latest obsession or how close you stand to someone when you talk. \u00a0And he had an intense preoccupation with his feet - no matter what shoes we bought that child he always said his feet were hot. \u00a0One day I had to leave work to drive to the school to take Zack a new set of pants, socks and shoes -- he'd decided to cool off his feet by putting them under running water in the classroom sink.<\/p>\n

Zack was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was in the 6th grade. \u00a0But teachers at his elementary school were already doing all the right things - when he got too angry or stressed, he was allowed to leave class and go to a special area they set up. \u00a0It had one of those toys you punch and it bounced back - and a rocking chair. \u00a0It was adjacent to the nurse's office so he was well monitored. \u00a0And it worked.<\/p>\n

Middle school was especially difficult for Zack because middle school kids are the closest thing to monsters common to average America. \u00a0Zack's trouble relating to kids increased - he even sounded different, like a walking dictionary. \u00a0And he had a special speech pattern. \u00a0Early on I thought neither Zack nor I would survive Middle School - It came to a head after a few weeks when Zack had an unfortunate incident because of a cold he had that resulted in him being sent to a Vice Principal who REQUIRED me to leave work and meet with him. \u00a0I was told my son was only getting in-school suspension for his anti-social behavior but that the VP could have suspended him. \u00a0It was the last straw for me, the Mom who loved this kid.<\/p>\n

Zack had some tough issues that made him different, but all through school the amount and nature of the bullying he endured and the insults he had to take was astounding. \u00a0A psychologist who later ran South Carolina's education department told me once that no adult could peacefully tolerate the insults Zack had to take for a single day - including the psychologist. \u00a0 He put up with all that - and had a diagnosed socialization disorder -- and this Vice Principal was talking about suspending him? \u00a0No. \u00a0Not dealing with that.<\/p>\n

I complained - Aspie parents have to learn early to yell and scream and be impossible to deal with until their child's needs are met. \u00a0So I emailed the Superintendent of Horry County Schools, copied the principal and asked if the policy next week would be suspending all kids in wheelchairs for not walking down the hall. \u00a0I happen to be a practicing attorney and signed it with my name, rank and serial number - including my law firm contact information.<\/p>\n

That insignificant worm of a Vice Principal's saber-rattling was horrid. \u00a0But the response of the Horry County School system to my email was immediate, dramatic and life-changing for my son. \u00a0They formed a whole committee of people to help Zack. \u00a0We had monthly meetings, made specific plans and the school Principal himself instructed staff that all issues with Zack got brought to him. \u00a0Yes, a man that busy stopped and made time for my son -- I didn't always agree with him, but I always knew he was competent, caring, dedicated and involved. \u00a0And you know what else Horry County did for Zack? \u00a0They hired a SHADOW. \u00a0Yes, an adult aide who met Zack in the morning, attended every class with him, counseled him, kept him on track, and met with me or his Father every afternoon when we picked him up.<\/p>\n

Zack was accepted at the \"gifted\" high school held on the campus of a local college. \u00a0Essentially, he attended 4 years of college while he was living at home. \u00a0He still had a shadow - until he was phased out in Zack's Senior Year to prepare him for college. \u00a0And Zack learned how to deal with professors while still dealing with the High School teachers who taught the Scholar's Academy program on campus. \u00a0He graduated as a National Merit Scholar and earned a full-ride scholarship to college - He'll graduate in the Spring with a Mechanical Engineering Degree - With Honors and With Honors in the Major.<\/p>\n

So, I am NOT Adam Lanza's Mother. \u00a0I'm the Mother of a young man who is bright, educated, and who may very well change the world one day -- like some (suspected) Aspies before him did- Perhaps you've heard of Albert Einstein and Bill Gates? \u00a0The \"why\" I'm not Adam Lanza's mother is easier to understand now that you've heard my son's story - or a bit of it anyway --<\/p>\n

I'm not Adam Lanza's mother for several reasons. \u00a0First, and foremost, \u00a0I'm still married to Zack's father. \u00a0Having a challenging kid can take a toll on any marriage, but we worked to keep our marriage strong and we both supported Zack. \u00a0Often, my husband had to fight me most of all - Aspies live and exist by rules. \u00a0And \"Daddy\" had to make the rules for behavior, consequences and punishment. \u00a0Daddy had to enforce them. \u00a0At first, I'd plead on the kid's behalf -- okay, I did it longer than \"at first.\" \u00a0But my husband remained strong and dedicated and his discipline and consistency defined the boundaries, which never, ever moved. \u00a0(Aspies need that - consistency. \u00a0They're true rut people who do NOT deal well with change, however minor.)<\/p>\n

So, Zack had his Dad in his corner. \u00a0He had his Mom too - I took time off work to go to all the meetings, and his Dad came as often as he could, but he had a demanding job. \u00a0My role was to be the cheerleader and the nurturer. \u00a0Have you heard the news accounts that Adam's Mom was always upset that she couldn't be affectionate with her son? \u00a0Zack has more limits and boundaries with that than his youngest brother - but Zack gives and receives hugs aplenty - along with occasional, over-the-top Mommy hysterical joy at airports when he's coming home for a visit.<\/p>\n

And Zack had a school system in his corner. \u00a0THAT\"S crucial. \u00a0I can't say enough about the amazing job that the local school district did in supporting my son. \u00a0 Our schools committed the resources to allow Zack to attend public school - and it built Scholar's Academy. \u00a0That gifted High School meant that Zack got to be educated in a place where \"cool\" meant having the best grades and knowing the answers. \u00a0Every district in America must have a Scholar's Academy for their Aspies to flourish and grow and spread their wings.<\/p>\n

The account of what was going on with Adam is still developing, but it sounds like he didn't have the advantages Zack had. \u00a0I know his father wasn't involved in his daily life, and that alone made it very, very hard for Adam's Mom to raise him well. \u00a0The importance of a strong, involved father in the life of an Aspie can't be overstated. \u00a0Having that allowed me to be the Mom who nurtured and supported and hugged. \u00a0I didn't have to focus on discipline at home, which Dad handled, so I could focus on working with the school and attending all those meetings.<\/p>\n

There hasn't been room within this piece for me to do justice to describing what it's like to raise an Aspie. \u00a0It is important for me to say that Aspies can experience issues with their tempers - but they are not dangerous people. \u00a0So much of the news makes it sound like Aspies are these uncontrollable fiends -- which is not even remotely in the same universe as the truth. \u00a0Most Aspies - like my son- are amazing, astonishing and brilliant people.<\/p>\n

Aspies are a resource - and like many other resources - they can grow up and change the way we look at science (Einstein) or computers (Gates) or engineering (Graham -- err, \u00a0soon, very soon). \u00a0Aspies are \"resources\" with the tendency to amaze, astonish and alter the way we live our lives. \u00a0But all such resources are very volatile -- if handled improperly, there can be tragic consequences.<\/p>\n

One of the most important lessons of Newtown and Sandy Hook is this -- the first line of success and the last line of defense initiate from the same principals - It takes a strong family working with a school system willing to disregard its bottom line to do its job. \u00a0And it takes communication and teamwork. \u00a0But Aspies are brilliant people. \u00a0If nurtured and supported properly, they can grow up to change the world.<\/p>\n

I'm not Adam Lanza's mother and if we learn and apply the lessons of Newtown, there need be no more Adam Lanzas. So when you hear all the talk about Aspies, remember that broad brushes only paint broad strokes. \u00a0Reality exists in the narrow strokes, as different, and individual as the families all around America blessed to be raising Asperger's kids who will grow up to make us all proud.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In the wake of the overwhelmingly tragic slaughter of innocent elementary school students and heroic teachers and educational professionals on Friday in Newtown, Connecticutt, \u00a0there has been much discussion of the shooter and his Asperger's Syndrome. \u00a0One controversial piece entitled, \"I Am Adam Lanza's Mother\" was written from the perspective of a mother who fears ...continue reading \"Why I’m Not Adam Lanza’s Mother\"<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3,6],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2947"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2947"}],"version-history":[{"count":15,"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2947\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2957,"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2947\/revisions\/2957"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2947"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2947"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2947"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}