{"id":2922,"date":"2012-12-04T19:25:37","date_gmt":"2012-12-05T00:25:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/?p=2922"},"modified":"2012-12-04T19:25:37","modified_gmt":"2012-12-05T00:25:37","slug":"is-love-an-addiction","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/2012\/12\/04\/is-love-an-addiction\/","title":{"rendered":"Is Love An Addiction?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Recent research <\/a>suggests that the \"new\" wears off a marriage after about 2 years.<\/p>\n

In a hands-across-the-ocean project, American and European researchers tracked 1,761 people who managed to stay married for 15 years. \u00a0The results? \u00a0Their newlywed burst of \"happy, happy, joy, joy\" wore off after 2 years. \u00a0 Given the tragically high divorce rates, I'd love to know many people were in the initial group to allow researchers to end up with a sample of 1,761 still-marrieds-after-2-years. \u00a0I'm betting - a lot.<\/p>\n

The new love, the \"passionate love\" changed into \"companionate love\" after a couple of years. \u00a0That meant that the state of intense desire and attraction became a state of deep affection and connection. \u00a0The author of the NY Times op-ed, Sonja Lyubomirsky, suggests the transition occurs because humans are prone to \"hedonic adaptation\" - meaning that humans tend to take positive experiences for granted. \u00a0Ms. Lyubomirsky states as follows<\/a>:<\/p>\n

Sexual passion and arousal are particularly prone to hedonic adaptation. Laboratory studies in places as far-flung as Melbourne, Australia, and Stony Brook, N.Y., are persuasive: both men and women are less aroused after they have repeatedly viewed the same erotic pictures or engaged in similar sexual fantasies. Familiarity may or may not breed contempt; but research suggests that it breeds indifference. Or, as Raymond Chandler wrote: \u201cThe first kiss is magic. The second is intimate. The third is routine.\u201d<\/p>\n

There are evolutionary, physiological and practical reasons passionate love is unlikely to endure for long. If we obsessed, endlessly, about our partners and had sex with them multiple times a day \u2014 every day \u2014 we would not be very productive at work or attentive to our children, our friends or our health. (To quote a line from the 2004 film \u201cBefore Sunset,\u201d about two former lovers who chance to meet again after a decade, if passion did not fade, \u201cwe would end up doing nothing at all with our lives.\u201d ) Indeed, the condition of being in love has a lot in common with the state of addiction and narcissism; if unabated, it will eventually exact a toll.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I agree with much of the author's premise -- but I very much DISAGREE with her conclusion. \u00a0The intense, passionate characteristics of what the piece calls \"new love\" should only devolve permanently if it's more lust than love. \u00a0Real love - the enduring kind- is more like the ocean. \u00a0Life and its complications may intervene and moods may rise and fall. \u00a0All of that will - at times - \u00a0make the water choppy and rough. \u00a0There will be long sunny days where the water runs smooth. \u00a0But always, always, there will be the waves -- those events that kindle the spark and send you towering high above that normal, level water.<\/p>\n

I was glad to see one finding of the study, though: \u00a0researchers found that the rush of newlywed love is often repeated when a couple reaches the empty nest stage. \u00a0See, that's because the love didn't devolve and dwindle - it was always there.<\/p>\n

As to the author's other point -- Is love an addiction? \u00a0She likens it to narcissism or self-love but to me, that's the opposite of romantic love. \u00a0Romantic love is putting someone else's interests and desires first. \u00a0It's excellent training for becoming a parent, you know. \u00a0Mother Nature is smart that way. \u00a0The concept of caring that much for someone else doesn't remind me of addiction. \u00a0It reminds me more of dedication or devotion - like that moment when one of a person's talents connects with a way to use them to build a career. \u00a0I can see that addictive love would be prone to dwindle until it died, but dedicated, devoted love will continue like the roots of a tree - providing strength and support and nurture.<\/p>\n

Real love isn't an addiction - it's a growth hormone!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Recent research suggests that the \"new\" wears off a marriage after about 2 years. In a hands-across-the-ocean project, American and European researchers tracked 1,761 people who managed to stay married for 15 years. \u00a0The results? \u00a0Their newlywed burst of \"happy, happy, joy, joy\" wore off after 2 years. \u00a0 Given the tragically high divorce rates, ...continue reading \"Is Love An Addiction?\"<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2922"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2922"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2922\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2931,"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2922\/revisions\/2931"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2922"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2922"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quackingalone.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2922"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}