2

First installment here.

god_emperor_trump

I've had a beautiful, I've had a flawless campaign. You'll be writing books about this campaign. - Trump, before The Apotheosis.

Hillary the Ghola had the same upbringing as her predecessors.

Born from one of the mysterious axlotl tanks in a lab deep in the bowels of the God Emperor's palace, she proceeded to be educated about Hillary Prima and His Imperial Greatness. Their history together from circa 30 BA (Before Apotheosis) to 1 AI (Anno Imperator) was the main subject matter.

When she asked her tutors and other Duck-Speakers (who were all women for whatever reason) why she had to learn such boring fare, she was told it was to prepare her for her day of awakening.

...continue reading "God Emperor of Soon – Installment 2"

3

Hello children, it's me, your favorite aggravated husband of a Crazy Duck Lady.

Aforementioned Crazy Duck Lady has said to me repeatedly that she thinks I should write something - an anthology of comedic quips or quotes, or possibly even a narrative.

After seeing the meteoric rise of Donald (Duck) Trump on the national stage and the internet's somewhat sarcastic rebranding of his personality, I felt that burning itch of a muse that Mary Anne speaks of.

Either a muse or a fungus, I can never tell which.

Anyway, today I start (cue dramatic score) ...

The God Emperor of Soon (a bad sci-fi parody)

...continue reading "God Emperor of Soon – Installment 1"

Hi guys, it's the Angry One, making a small contribution from the storehouse of dysfunction that is Crazy Duck Lady's husband's brain.

Over a decade ago, I used to write little comedy bits for websites here and there. They are all gone now, but I've managed to dredge up a few little things from my packrat hard drive. A couple of them I've put on the blog here already, but there was one series in particular that I enjoyed writing - the story of Ogg and Linda, caveman and wife.

I used a lot of my own experiences with women and the funny differences between them and the male half of the species for material. After a marriage lasting over 25 years and interaction with women on a daily basis at the workplace, the comedy almost wrote itself.

This particular story came from my helping the ladies of the one of the departments in my workplace move their offices around.

There are some things in our climb from the swamp to the stars that will never change for women, one of those things being a dissatisfaction with all arrangements of furniture...

...continue reading "Ogg & Linda #1 – Furniture"

*WARNING WARNING WARNING!!*

*THERE ARE DISGUSTING SEXUALLY DEVIANT PRACTICES DESCRIBED BELOW, WITH OFFENSIVE OPINIONS AND NASTY FLAVORED HATERADE!*

*IF YOU ARE A LITTLE CRYBABY WHO IS "TRIGGERED" BY REAL LIFE THINGS AND HAAAAAAATEFUL OPINIONS, GET BENT AND GET THE HELL OUT!*

*IF YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS POST, THAT MEANS YOU DIDN'T READ THIS WARNING, YOU SUCK, AND SHOULD DIE FROM DONKEY AIDS ASAP!*

This is the Angry Old Fat Man, soon to be forced to watch one of the most anticipated (and IMO, most lame) film in recent history: Fifty Shades of Grey.

The only things I know about the movie and the books it is based on is the trailer, a few news stories, and very very little about what my wife the Crazy Duck Lady loves about her chosen genre.

  • The protagonist, a woman of course, is a normal middle class chick who's underemployed. She's a gorgeous hottie in her 20s (probably early 20s) WHO IS A VIRGIN.

The first WTF inability to suspend disbelief is right of the gate. If you're a hot little 20-something female, you got your share of dick long before college graduation. Some babes get so bored with dick and their owners at that time that they turn into LUGs - Lesbians Until Graduation.

A hot-as-hell 20-something female virgin? Get the fuck outta here. Only if she got all of her orifices (including her mouth... LOL!) sewed shut in high school is this possible.

  • Her love interest is a late-blooming entreprenuer billionaire who is so rich he has at least 20 expensive cars in the garage of his palatial digs.

A single guy who can rest his ass in a different car every day of a month is not going to be satisified with resting his weiner in one vajay-jay every fucking day for the rest of his life. PARTICULARLY if he made his money by working his way into it, as opposed to inheriting it. He needs a way to unwind, and only a moron thinks he can unwind by listening to the yammering of the same woman every... damn... night. No matter how sweet her tits and ass are in her 20s, her mouth stays in overdrive about the most banal shit until she's an ancient hag.

So the second WTF inability to suspend disbelief is a single billionaire dude whose life isn't a parade of premium-grade cocaine and ultra-high-class hookers.

  • Billionaire dude is into sado-masochism and promises the entire rest of his life to the woman who can take his "abuse".

From what I've heard of it, "sado-masochism" here is related to real sadism/masochism like McDonalds Chicken McNuggets are related to chicken marsala. If, you know, chicken marsala involved blood and pain of the diner as well as the chicken.

Let me make my first prediction about the movie: there will be no sodomy. Unless you count oral sex as sodomy, in which case you probably will think this movie is horribly scandalous.

For the rest of us who have seen at least 5 minutes of porn made in the 21st Century, or read pretty much anything written by the Marquis de Sade in the 18th Century, the sex in the movie is going to be bland as hell.

There will probably be (simulated) blowjobs and (simulated) penis-in-vagina. And according to news stories, there's going to be "sex toys", aka vibrators and dildos.

As a comparison, dildos are weapons in video games that 13-year-olds play nowadays, and porn (supposed to be viewed by people 18 and over, but usually frequently gets seen by 13-15 year-olds) now features ON A REGULAR BASIS analingus, anal sex, and ass-to-mouth. Hard slapping and rape-like choking are also near-mainstream in porn.

So if you want woman-logic-style mommy porn, then go see Fifty Shades of Grey. Or if you love your wife enough to have your eyeballs, ears, and erections assaulted by dipshittery, then proceed.

 

And now, time for AOFM to do the nasty - and watch the movie.

Hello again, mi amigos! The Fat Man here and rocking your world.

they-know-how-to-rock-your-world_252483-250x

Confession time: I've been slack. Olivia Outlaw came out with a new novella, the third book in her Sultan's Toy series: Consumed on the first of March and I didn't update the webpage to show it.

Well, I'm here to make amends to you, the reader, and to my diligent waifu, Olivia/Mary Anne.

You'll now see on the sidebar and on the appropriate book list webpage the very thing I neglected, the third Sultan's Toy book.

Also, as a penance to the author and possibly to a select few of you readers out there, here is a duckling we can relate to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYpvEiRnWNc

 

I've gotten several emails lately asking me whether I'd ever write more "Forever" books. We all agree that Vlad's story needs to be told, right? So, the answer is - yes, but it will be a while. Why?

My erotic romances written as Olivia Outlaw outsell all my other books combined. I'm trying to write my way to writing full time so it only makes sense that I concentrate on the erotic romance for now. That would change if my "Forever Series" and other historicals start outselling everything else. They have a way to go -- a long way -- before they'd even come close to equaling the erotic work. If y'all want more Forever books in a hurry - go out and help me market the things! Pass the word on Twitter, do some blogs, bother some big name reviewers...

In the meantime, while I've got my Outlaw fingers working, I'm sharing a funny video. (BTW, I don't really hate my coworkers a'tall and most days - this past Friday was NOT one of them - most days, I don't even hate my boss. I just hate working a job that is ANY job other than writing romance full time) If y'all would rather not be doing your current day job, maybe you'll enjoy this one too.

Heck, who am I kidding? Even if you LOVE your day job you're going to enjoy this one. Hunky men, business shirts and ties, skimpy undies, high heels and KILLER legs. ENJOY!

2

I figured out why I haven't made enough money from romance novels to quit my day job (practicing law) yet. I even know why I haven't made enough dough to support myself writing full time and pay cash to buy a new house. One of my tweeps steered me towards the secret, and I wanted to share it here on the blog.

Even the duck lady is bright enough to know that what I need is a bestseller - or better yet, several. And yes, even I who am more quackers than the average quacker know that the secret to launching a book to the bestseller stratosphere is one word -- PUBLICITY. I also know what publicity is - you know what it is? EXPENSIVE.

And because I'm a strange duck lady who communicates best in writing, I'm one of those things that most people think is as real as the proverbial Magic Genie. Yes, Virginia, because I'm a lawyer who practices research and writing (a scrivener) I'm something else that far too many of you can understand. You know what that is? POOR. Yes, a poor lawyer. Go figure.

So I can't afford all that publicity, which leaves me hanging around here, on Twitter (@quackingalone) and on Facebook. I shuffle my feet a lot and try to think of pithy, not totally insane things to say that might interest readers into checking out my books. ("Hey, Ethel, this one might be good for a laugh. The writer's a complete nutcase.") But I thought that was pretty much the limit of the options my non-existent publicity budget could afford. Then, one of my gang tweeted the link to an article.

...continue reading "Think Chicken Instead of Duck"

2

Why am I the last to know these things?

There seems to be a 10-step plan for everything these days, but somehow, I thought the eternal quest for writing the Great American Novel was above and beyond all that.  Not so, according to a new piece from Huffpo by Ester Bloom, entitled:  "Write the Great American Novel in 10 Easy Steps."

And they're EASY steps?  Geez!  Just think of all the time I've been wasting behind my keyboard.  Worse- think of all that stress and strain on my wee, already-stressed and strained brain.  Come on Ms. Bloom - give a girl a clue, why don't you?  OH, that's right - she just did.

Let's see - step one is to be a dead dude like Mark Twain, William Faulkner or Nathaniel Hawthorne.   Well, that doesn't sound so easy.  It sounds pretty impossible.  Wait - there is a sub-choice!  If I'm not a dead dude, it'll work if I'm Toni Morrison, a one-book wonder like Margaret Mitchell or Harper Lee, or a privileged, white drunk like Fitzgerald or Hemingway.  Well, I'm white - but I'm pretty much out of luck on the other qualifications for the first step.

I have more luck with step 2.  Reclusive I can do.  I can't do masculine seclusion but feminine seclusion - that's my natural state.  So I can be the female Pynchon or Salinger.

Step 3 is to tell a violent story set in rural America's Southern or Western regions.  Well, most of my contemporary romances  are set along the coast of South Carolina and this is a pretty darned rural area.  And love is the ultimate violence, isn't it?  Besides, in most of my contemporaries someone dies - which is a double whammy for violence.  I guess that equates me with Penn Warren, McCarthy and McMurtry.

Then I'm supposed to center my tale around a white male hero who wrestles with diversity - preferably involving brown people -  while he travels.  Well, in "A Magical Forever" the hero has to overcome his prejudices against love and magic and he takes a trip that's literally out of this world.  I'll count that.

Next, I have to title my book something with particular keywords like "Great," "Wrath," "Love," "Fury" or "Death."  Woah, Nelly - Eden is on the list.  Hot dog - "The Duke of Eden" fits that one.  We're making progress!

Uh Oh - there are questions.

...continue reading "There’s a 10-Step Plan for Writing Superstardom?"