Netflix and Chill – But Perhaps Not

Hi there, it's the Portly Husband of the Crazy Duck & Morkie Lady, imparting his wisdom upon you.

WARNING: IF CLINICAL TERMS FOR SEXUAL ACTS DISTURB YOU, TURN BACK NOW!

There we are. Crybabies should now be gone.

Anyways, Netflix, the television and movie streaming service, has been having problems keeping stock prices high and subscribers enlisted. From my observations, they've come up with a strategy they think will raise their viewer numbers and their stock prices.

Porn. And not the old softcore Cinemax version either, but the kind that shows the whole thing.

I first saw it there when, out of curiosity, I watched the director cuts of both Nymphomaniac movies. I had heard that Lars von Trier was a very controversial director, though I had no idea why since I had never seen any of his movies.

So I kick up the movies in question and BAM! I see oral sex - real, unsimulated fellatio - on the screen. And that was the first movie. The second movie showed - get this - real, unsimulated double penetration. That is, simultaneous vaginal and anal penetration. Two men, one woman. Two penises, one vagina, and one anus.

Whoa.

Now, Lars von Trier said that none of the actors or actresses had actual sex. Instead, the real actors' heads and/or faces were superimposed on porn performers' bodies.

I don't know about that, but if it's true, the team who did it deserve more special effects awards than Industrial Light and Magic. Because, damn.

I wrote it off as a big movie director doing a big director thing. Otherwise, the movies stunk, but hey, now I could say I saw movies done by that dude.

Fast forward to a couple of years later.

Looking for other things to watch on Netflix, I came across a documentary about Rocco Siffredi, an Italian porn star with whom I was familiar. While interesting to find out what drove the man to do the things he did, it was right on the border of pornography. I honestly can't remember too much about it, but I think that was it.

I thought it weird that Netflix had him in a video, but whatevs.

Then I saw a completely unrelated foreign film. Fellatio, right there, plain as day.

Finally, a Rocco TV series showed up. And there they were - fellatio, and anal penetration.

So there you have it, in my opinion. The way that Netflix is going to raise their profits is to shift to outright porn.

Their marketing department probably recommended it after seeing the numbers being pulled by real, unabashed porn sites. And as I've told my sons about corporate, the two most useless departments are marketing and human resources, in that order. And the only reason human resources ranks better is because they actually get employees paid.

Let's face it, marketing departments are responsible for such travesties as New Coke, ET: The (Atari) Video Game, the Apple Newton, Google Glass, and the Edsel. So while I expect a quick uptick in income at Netflix, that will last until the novelty wears off.

If Netflix wants more stable earnings, here's what I, Angry Old Fat Man, say it should do instead:

1. Show more blockbuster movies.

Granted, that will be a metric assload of superhero movies and reboots these days, but there have been otherwise interesting films, like Heredity, for instance. Basically, I'm sick and tired of obscure-ass foreign films that mean nothing. Get rid of that shit.

2.  Get off the Trump hate train, and possibly feature more conservative content in documentaries.

3.  Use your earnings to produce decent storytelling in feature format as well as the current TV series format. The Man in the High Castle is a good example.

There you have it. Follow my advice and you could keep Amazon's Jeff Bezos off of your asses. Unless you like that sort of thing, you freaks.

 

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