Hello children, it's me, your favorite aggravated husband of a Crazy Duck Lady.
Aforementioned Crazy Duck Lady has said to me repeatedly that she thinks I should write something - an anthology of comedic quips or quotes, or possibly even a narrative.
After seeing the meteoric rise of Donald (Duck) Trump on the national stage and the internet's somewhat sarcastic rebranding of his personality, I felt that burning itch of a muse that Mary Anne speaks of.
Either a muse or a fungus, I can never tell which.
Anyway, today I start (cue dramatic score) ...
The God Emperor of Soon (a bad sci-fi parody)
(to get any of this, you should read Frank Herbert's Dune series, particularly the fourth book)
What difference, at this point, does it make? - Hillary Prima
She was the rightful ruler, dammit, screamed the voice in her head.
Sure, she was a ghola - a clone with memories of her initial life; in this case, multiple lives - but with the awakening of her memories, Hillary was just as ambitious as ever. Possibly even more ambitious than Hillary Prima, the very first Hillary from almost ten millennia ago. She knew, knew, in her heart of hearts that she was destined to rule not a simple, small, blue planet, but the entire known universe to which mankind had spread. Star systems upon star systems.
She felt the warm comfort of the long cylinder in her hands. A SocMed gun, a sonic weapon of ancient technology from ages past, but still powerful enough to ruin any person or structure unfortunate enough to be caught in its beam.
The primitive but extremely effective (like most weapon technologies) gun was smuggled to her by a traitorous Femmaneest faction of the God Emperor's bodyguards, the Duck-Speakers, while she awaited His presence in His gold-adorned private chamber.
She heard the throne-cart before she saw it. An enormous golden vehicle carrying the God Emperor arrived and began stabilizing itself and adjusting to His tons of bulk.
He was a gigantic worm with a human face. The wormskin was rough and apparently very thick, almost like a segmented carapace.
"Crooked, where are you? Come out, let's see your ugly crooked lyyying face."
With a ferocious grimace on her face from the God Emperor's insult, she swiftly hid the gun behind a pillar as she stepped into His view.
"Trump. I'm so glad you agreed to see me." The grimace only changed slightly to a pained frown.
"Ahhhhhhh... Trump. I remember that name. It was a HYUUUUUGE number of years ago. And I guess you still want the same thing, Crooked?"
Slightly surprised, she edged toward the pillar and the gun. "Same thing? What do you mean, Trump?"
"It means that you always want the same thing after your memories are restored." The lips on the worm face puckered while He spoke. He looked like a horrid parody of a duck. A duck with a human face with bad hair and a giant worm body.
"Trump... Donald... what do you take me for? I would never..." As she trailed off, she grabbed the gun and unleashed its power on the worm.
The entire human face of the God Emperor blinked, enfolded in the wormskin. The skin itself, rather than being flayed off like human skin would under the force of the SocMed beam, seemed not only to absorb the beam, but to grow under it.
The worm wildly gyrated from the golden wheeled platform, flipped over, and caught the ghola's legs underneath it, flinging the gun to the far end of the chamber. The bones crunched under the overwhelming weight.
The worm's face poked out of its hiding place, looking Hillary straight in the eye. "Didn't they... my enemies... teach you anything? SocMed... "Social Media"... only does good things to me!"
The God Emperor's lower half began a slow roll up towards Hillary's face, crushing her as it went.
"Where do you think I got this HYUUUUGE worm body with its DEVASTATINGLY thick skin? My enemies! They used SocMed on my human form, not knowing of course that my genetics and exposure to certain environments would convert it to an immortal container for my HYUUUGE ego!"
Death was slowly encroaching on the ghola's senses. "But... Trump... I... thought..."
"Bullshit, Hillary. You're just a lying little crooked liar. DISAPPOINTING and predictable. You never thought anything but how you wanted to rule over everything. But I win. And you?"
The ghola breathed her last.
"You lose. As always."
The worm crawled back to his golden throne vehicle and rested. Then he raised his face and yelled out, "GUARDS! I NEED ANOTHER HILLARY!"
The Duck-Speakers whispered among themselves as they shook their heads:
"He loses more Hillarys that way."