I haven't done a non-Grey's blog in quite some time. So, today, I'm emerging from the dark beyond to talk about - emerging from the dark beyond. I haven't actually "emerged" yet - but I'm hoping that writing this blog will help.
Help what? I hope it will help put me back in contact with my readers and with myself and my writing.
I haven't "felt" like blogging for quite some time. I haven't "felt" like doing a lot of writing. In fact, I just haven't "felt" like myself. I'm not sure who I've felt like - but it hasn't been the insane duck lady. I've felt tired- like almost any effort is too much. And I've felt like a teapot filling up with tears, never knowing when the pot might reach full and start to spill over - or when the tiniest little thing might tip my spout enough to start a crying jag.
I think it's been caused by a combination of stress at home compounded by the stress of juggling various types of pressures at work. On the writing front - I've been suffering from a bad case of "why bother" that's been increased by that general sense of feeling tired. It's felt like too much effort for too little return. If I can't write my way out of the personal or professional pressures, would it be easier to just sit down, pretend to rest, and spend my time worrying about everything I can't seem to fix?
I wish I was writing to say it's all better now - but that isn't true. I think I'm writing because I'd really, really like it to get better. Even if nothing changes, I'd like to feel hopeful enough to believe that it might and strong enough to want to keep trying. And so far, wallowing and worrying has achieved nothing except making me feel more tired and less optimistic.
So, what's the best way to get out of a funk? My eldest is an Aspie and he gets through life figuring out how to react to things by watching the people around him. He's done well- he recently graduated with a BS in Mechanical Engineering cum laude and with honors in the major. Figuring out how to act or how to feel by watching how others act and feel works for my eldest. It makes me wonder if "fake it till you find it" might work for me too.
If I can act happy and energetic -- will the fiction become fact? Can I will myself to skip jauntily over whatever piles of "bad events" build up around me? If I can't fix it no matter how much I work and try and struggle, then there really isn't a point in worrying about it. If all the effort won't fix it, then all the worry surely can't help now, can it?
Should I just give myself permission to slow down or bloody stop? Running in place isn't getting me anywhere. Or - if I keep up the pace and act like I'm getting somewhere, will the view eventually change? If it's all a giant hamster wheel and forward progress isn't possible, then I'm better off sitting down and resting.
I'm not sure of the answer but that might be because I'm not even sure of the question. Maybe, if I spend more time ignoring real life I can start enjoying the happily ever after I'm trying two craft for my two works in progress. Reality isn't all it's cracked up to be. I guess that's why I never understand readers who get critical of a work - mine or someone else's - because it's too far removed from reality. Isn't the point of writing a good book - or reading one - to take you as far away from reality as possible?
Maybe my whole problem is that I've been spending too much time worrying about the real world and too little dallying in my characters' world. If I just leave the real world alone and let it go to pieces - or not - it's bound to matter less if that's not the place that matters most.
I should have blogged sooner. If I rant and rave like this to anyone in my real life I'm sure they'll just bellow that I brought it all on myself - or they'll say, get over yourself, already, because you really don't matter that much. So, maybe I've arrived at a solution - but I'm not sure which it is. Do I act like everything's hunky-dory because believing will make it so? Do I keep on juggling problems until one finally bounces back hard enough to crack my thick skull and send me six feet under? Or am I better off letting it all go and crawling over the pieces to get back to my keyboard where I can write about a place where nothing's hunky-dory but everything's about to be?
Maybe I'm best off keeping this blog active because it gives me a place to go where I know I'm talking to a bunch of other ladies dealing with similar issues. If anyone out there has figured out the answer - or at least understands the question - please HOLLA.
In the meantime, I'm going back to one of my two works in progress and I'll plan another blog entry where I do something other than bitch and moan....
And I can know that Mr. Duck and the Ducklings are grateful that I'm bitching and moaning here, rather than at the supper table. Mr. Duck is making Fettucini Alfredo tonight and everybody knows that weeping and wailing doesn't go with Alfredo a'tall.........